For many years I facilitated grief support groups for a local hospital. People grieving the loss of loved ones came to share stories, offer support to each other, and understand their own ways for navigating loss.
Every year, right after Halloween, people would focus on getting through the holiday season while still feeling fragile and uncentered by their losses. The upcoming season heightens the dilemma of balancing the needs of family and friends while also experiencing the internal processes of loss and change.
When family members and friends with whom we have shared holiday celebrations deal with physical, emotional, and cognitive changes, we need to discern how we manage those celebrations to be both inclusive and realistic.
Did everybody go to Grandma’s for Thanksgiving? Was Dad the one who always carved the turkey? Were you counting on your mother to fry dozens of potato pancakes for Chanukah, or get all the holiday decorations up before Christmas?
What we have taken for granted can shift when someone experiences a major life change. It might be an operation, a difficult diagnosis, a move, or another event that requires rethinking what and how the various seasonal festivities will be spent.
Consider using my Recipe for Change:
C – Communicate
H – Honesty
A – Accommodate
N – Navigate
G – Gratitude
E – Enjoy
C – Communicate
Start talking with each other as early as possible about what people want for the upcoming holidays. Will meals be the same menu and at the same place? If so, does there need to be a reassessment of tasks and how they get done? If it’s time for a new venue or menu, what are some options? Consider going to one of the many restaurants that offer holiday meals. Or check grocery stores to see how a few purchased supplemental dishes can make things easier on the host or guests.
H – Honesty
We live with constant cultural insistence that the holiday season is all about festive celebration and joy. For many people, that is not the case. Sadness and loss can be worsened with the expectations to be happy. People can feel isolated when they don’t feel they can rise to the demands for participation and celebration.
If you or someone close to you has concerns about the upcoming events, talk about them honestly and start to strategize about what you want to have happen that will address or eliminate the fear.
Most of all, give yourself and others permission to express whatever it is they feel so they don’t feel guilty about their lack of excitement.
A – Accommodate
Getting older usually means we have to learn to accommodate—not always happily—to some of the changes age demands. We may eat and sleep differently, get tired, and feel less inclined to take on tasks that challenge us. Our hearing and vison might have changed. Learning to adapt to change is among the ongoing tasks we face. Asking for help from friends and family or others causes discomfort. We fear dependence; we want to be able to do it all by ourselves.
If we are able to identify what we can do and what we want to do as the holidays approach, we will make it easier to accommodate to what makes sense and allows others to adjust their expectations and plans.
N – Navigate
Learn to navigate the ambiguity that surrounds many seasonal decisions. If we are used to being in control, counting on having things happen the way we want them to, we have probably discovered that isn’t always possible. Try to get comfortable “going with the flow,” an idea from the 1960s that still applies. Letting go of being in control of everything can offer release and relief. We can still make plans while understanding how plans can change. Uncompromising demands and rigid expectations only create suffering for everyone.
G – Gratitude
Even as we face changes and loss, most of us can identify what we feel grateful for. It doesn’t help when someone tells us to count our blessings when we are in the midst of sadness and grief. But space and examples—especially if others tell us how much they appreciate what we offer—can help bring most people into balance. Another “G” worth exploring is Generosity. Even when we feel bereft and without resources or energy, if we can find some ways to contribute and give to others, we will feel better. It might not be everything we used to be able to do, but small gestures count. Remember the adage: Your presence is your gift!
E – Enjoy
Ultimately, we want to be able to enjoy whatever plans and gatherings happen during the holiday season. Reflect on what gives you most joy. What activities and interactions make you feel happy? To the extent you can, choose to be with people you like and who like you. Do things that make you feel valued and included.
This recipe, adjusted for the amounts of each ingredient that suits your own tastes and lifestyle, can serve you well for the holiday season and beyond.
In the beginning, there was food! Before Rebecca Crichton worked for Boeing, taught leadership development, or became executive director of the Northwest Center for Creative Aging, she was a caterer, recipe developer, and food journalist. She has taught cooking to seniors and others, and she can reel off food ideas and recipes for any part of a meal or event. She believes in easily prepared, healthy, and taste-filled food that delights and satisfies.