Are you a natural joiner? Or do you cringe at the thought of introducing yourself in a cluster of chattering people? Either way, you probably already know that being socially engaged adds years to your life, yet many folks lose connections after they retire, move to a new city, or lose a spouse or partner. How can you find your tribe and reap the benefits of staying mentally, physically, and emotionally engaged as you age? Just how much schmoozing is required?
Studies show that social engagement adds to our longevity even more than breathing clean air, quitting smoking and drinking, or getting those vaccines.
As a naturally gregarious person with no fetters, I easily connect with people in the checkout line or sitting next to me at the theater. I’m an organizer/inviter. Alone time is important to me, too, I just need less of it than some people. But not everyone finds it easy to stay connected. Of course there are always book clubs through the library, gardening at your local pea patch, or reading to kids at the local elementary school. I decided to ask a few people to share how they stay socially engaged.
Joanne, retired last year, offers a tip: “You could start by answering the question, ‘What are the things that delight me?’ For me, besides family and friends, it’s birds, orcas, sailing, political and environmental advocacy, and community engagement. Just by Googling things important to you, you find organizations that are involved in those issues.” Their websites may show if they have classes, gatherings, or how to volunteer.
Here are ways to get socially engaged either by being a gentle joiner or by jumping in:
Stay Connected Professionally
Rhonda, 71, has kept involved in her professional life by joining Delta Kappa Gamma (DKG), the international society for women educators. She served as president of the local chapter and continues to mentor others. It made it easy to continue to be around experts in her field a few times a month so retiring wasn’t as abrupt.
I have often used the large workspace at Third Place Commons in Lake Forest Park as an alternative working spot. On several days, I’ve noticed a group of men chatting. Armed with a few 3rd Act magazines to leave as a peace offering, I stopped by one day to ask how the group got started. They are retired Boeing engineers who get together monthly. They don’t talk about work as much, but can connect on a level that they don’t with their other friends.
Volunteer
Chuck, 84, is a retired Human Resource Manager. He is chair of Healthy Families of Clallam County, which serves families of domestic and child abuse. He has been president of both his local and district chapters of Rotary International and has loaded bags of groceries for the local food bank and worked in community dining, which serves a need for so many in Port Angeles. “Sometimes you just need to be there,” he says.
Kathy, 68, volunteers for her local housing consortium.
If you think that volunteering requires a long-term commitment or more days or hours per month than you intend, consider that many organizations need extra hands to work at their annual fundraising event for one night, just a few hours.
Take a class
What do you have to lose? No one is evaluating you and you don’t have to get good at it. I took tap dance classes and lived!
Chris, 72, had played tennis on and off while working. Once he had more time, he called a few friends to play, but it was usually a one-off and he didn’t find any regular partners. So he joined a club and took tennis lessons. There, he met people who were at his level and they began to play outside of the lesson. Chris says, “Now I have a list of 40 people I can play with. I also organize one of the groups. It’s both social and physical and much more enjoyable than trying to create a group on my own.”
Join a new group
Recently, back at Third Place Commons again, I watched as about 20 older men gathered chairs and moved tables right in front of me. Grabbing my latest 3rd Act issue and introducing myself, I learned they were a vintage Volvo owners club. The purpose of the Puget Sound Chapter of Volvo Sports America is to encourage the ownership, proper operation, maintenance, and restoration of out-of-production model Volvos.
Dale, who retired in 2016, and the current club president says, “Once retired, most club members have the time, energy, and means to do something they’ve been interested in for years.” About 85 percent of the members are retired and the club not only talks about repairing and restoring their old classics, they are a social support. Dale adds, “Not everyone has the DNA to be friendly, so we assign another member to the new ones to be their wing man.” He also knows that men, in particular, might feel vulnerable asking for help, and might not have the courage to offer help. So the club helps support members. If they have a medical incident, the club sends flowers and keeps in contact with them.
People are discovering senior centers, realizing they are quite different than the stereotype conjured up in the past. Janis, 71, has already participated in an activity offered by the East County Senior Center in Monroe and is considering joining. “I never thought the senior center offered such fun activities until I read through the calendar,” she says. Take a look—it’s not your grandmother’s senior center.
Teach
Kathy, a retired leadership trainer and human resource professional, uses her skills at her local church by coaching the lectors not only in public speaking techniques, but also where to stand and how to use a microphone. Joanne teaches sailing; Rhonda teaches art both online and in person.
Stealth Activities
What about being there in-person without saying a word? Is it being social? It is for some people. Go to a library, attend a lecture, sit in a room with folks to write postcards and letters to get out the vote.
Ron, 77, approaches new groups more slowly. “There is a degree of comfort and safety in being known, not a complete stranger. It doesn’t have to be big gestures or grand introductions.” Small courtesies grease the social navigations throughout the day.
Is all this still too much in-person schmoozing? Well, buckle up! A positive outcome of the pandemic is that almost everyone has learned to use Zoom, Teams, FaceTime, Skype, or just to lurk on Facebook, Instagram, or other social media platforms. You can see what your friends and family are up to. You can take or teach a class, attend a lecture, or even a birthday party when you can’t get there in person.
Chuck plays chess online. “I stopped playing against a computer. I learn more by playing with a human—they make more mistakes and I can learn more.”
And don’t forget to combine exercise with socializing—get a walking partner, take a Tai Chi class, or go to water aerobics.
What about people who don’t have the privilege of being socially active on their own? There are people who aren’t comfortable with technology, or those who can’t access community transportation and no longer drive. Some have physical or mental health issues that prevent them from joining in, or don’t have the financial means to pay membership dues or buy tickets to theater. Here is the opportunity for those who do enjoy these privileges to help out. It doesn’t have to be through an organization.
Bill, 67, has already connected with neighbors in his new city. After caring for his dad long- distance, he knows that neighbors can be vital to an isolated older adult’s well-being. He reminds us, “It’s ok to check on a neighbor you haven’t seen around lately. It’s ok to knock on their door, leave a basket of fruit, or leave a note with your phone number inviting them to call if they need something.” If you believe someone is in jeopardy of being isolated or neglected, call 211, which connects callers—at no cost—to critical health and human services in their communities in Washington state.
Will you spend most of your day channel-surfing or finally learn mahjong? As my dad used to say, “The trouble with doing nothing is you never know when you’re done!”
Dori Gillam writes and speaks on creative aging, resilience, and ageism. She facilitates Wisdom Cafes and tours the state with her presentation, “What’s Age Got to do With It?” A lifelong Seattle resident, Gillam has worked for Sound Generations, AARP and is Board Chair for the Northwest Center for Creative Aging. Learn more at www.dorigillam.com.
Here are some more ways you can engage!