BY ANDREA DREISSEN
I have a death wish: That we may all leave this world knowing how much we mattered, that everyone hears their own eulogy and can savor how it feels to be radically seen. And that, as a result, we can all live into the legacies that others see possible in us before it’s too late.
After all, why should eulogies only be for dead people?
Why are the truest feelings said about loved ones when they can’t hear, savor, or bask in them? And how might we honor all those around us who are very much alive?
My term for these “living eulogies” is Gracenotes®. Like musical gracenotes, they’re an embellishment to pieces of our lives that makes life even better. Gracenotes® are actions we take to say, “I see you. Here’s why and how you matter …”
The importance of mattering isn’t just some feel-good idea, either. Let’s look at a few examples from science that reinforce the power and importance of mattering. I like to call this data “the math of mattering.”
The U.S. Surgeon General in 2022 named Mattering at Work as the Fourth Essential in his Framework for Workplace Mental Health & Well-Being, noting: “People want to know that they matter to those around them and that their work matters. Knowing you matter has been shown to lower stress, while feeling like you do not can raise the risk for depression. This essential rests on the human needs of dignity and meaning.”
Another proof point for mattering? Famed Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer and her team gave plants to two distinct groups of senior-living residents. Researchers told the first group that they were directly responsible for keeping the plant alive. They told the second group that the staff would take care of each of their plants. After 18 months, twice as many patients who were told they were responsible for keeping the plants alive were still alive themselves. They knew they had a valuable role to play. Turns out, mattering matters to plants and to people—and can even extend our lives.
And then there’s what psychologist Gordon Flett calls “anti-mattering.”
In his book, The Psychology of Mattering: Understanding the Human Need to be Significant, Flett shares the eye-popping story of a man in prison who tried escaping just to see if anyone would notice. He felt that invisible. (Then what happened? He was seen. And recaptured.)
So, it’s a deep, human need to know we matter and are making meaningful, visible contributions. Yet, too many of us die not knowing how much we’ve made a difference.
How many times have you heard a beautiful eulogy at a funeral and wondered, ‘Did this person, this person who’s no longer here with us, know how others felt about them while still alive?’
That’s why Gracenotes® are so powerful. They help you, family, friends, and community members intentionally navigate life and loss differently. Make meaning from disillusionment. Amplify the voice of elders. Boost gratitude and belonging, which are proven to boost resiliency. Navigate grief, change, and loss with more ease. And get our emotional assets in order, alongside our financial assets.
Imagine, for example, a Gracenote® that reads, “You display continual integrity—I see how you consistently stick to your ethical principles and are reliably trustworthy, time and time again.”
How might this observation inspire the recipient to live more deeply into their integrity?
Or “Whenever you walk into a room, there’s so much more positivity and possibility.”
How might this simple comment affect how someone shows up in a room?
Indeed, Gracenotes® reflect our true, authentic selves back to us. They show us what we cannot see. It’s a bit like the title of the blockbuster book, We’re All the Light We Cannot See.
When we know how we are seen—when we know how we matter—we can do more of those things.
It’s that simple—and that profound.
So, what do you think keeps us from “gracing” one another? In polling hundreds of adults across generations, I have learned that the primary reason people cite is a fear of feeling awkward.
It may be quite human to think that the recipient will feel it’s weird that you’re reaching out with a note after a long time. But Dr. Peggy Liu from the University of Pittsburgh ran a 2022 experiment to explore this. Study participants sent a short note to someone in their social circle with whom they hadn’t interacted in a while. Then researchers asked recipients about how they felt to receive such a note. Turns out, they’re generally not thinking, ‘Well, this is awkward.’ Instead, they’re thinking, ‘Someone took time to reach out. They thought about me. What a lovely surprise.’
Another reason people may not write a eulogy for the living is that some say they’re not sure what to say.
As an antidote, I offer this simple roadmap. Think about one or two key words that embody your “Grace-ee.” Be you. Remember, you’re not trying to get a job at Hallmark. Know that you can’t “write wrong.”
And try one of these prompts if you still feel stuck: I always laugh when …You are the only person I know who … You’re the best at … I turn to you when I need mentoring around …
Sometimes, though, the most compelling and important gracenote for any one of us to write may be the one we pen to ourselves. Where might we give ourselves some grace? Or what author Elizabeth Gilbert calls, “a cloak of mercy”?
Now, if writing’s not your thing, try a drawing, a video, a word cloud, or a photo collage. Can you write or even text a grace sentence? The medium doesn’t matter—what matters is the doing. A participant in one of my workshops said, ‘Most procrastination involves viewing a task as monumental. … But in the case of writing a gracenote, the impact is monumental—not the task.”
So that’s my death wish: That you see how your gracenote—no matter what form it takes—can be an oasis in a desert of people who are dying to know how they matter in this world. Before they pass out of it.
Andrea Driessen’s funny and poignant TED Talk about Gracenotes® (tinyurl.com/grace-notes) has been viewed almost 2 million times. A hospice volunteer with Providence in Seattle, she speaks and writes about topics relevant to older adults. She also delivers pro-bono interactive Gracenotes® workshops to qualified nonprofits via funding from The Unlikely Foundation.