Navigating Grief – Misplaced Anger

Raging at the World After the Loss of a Loved One

BY MARILEE CLARKE

Most of us are familiar with the construct of the stages of grief. This idea was first brought to the world’s attention by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969, who outlined the five stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance that are part of the grieving process. In the years since her groundbreaking research, experts have concluded that not every person will experience each of these phases and not necessarily in any prescribed order. I’m going out on a limb, however, to say that I suspect anger will always be one of the stages a person goes through after a significant loss.

When we lose a loved one, there is inevitable anger: Anger at God, at the universe, at the doctor who gave us too much hope, or at ourselves for missing something or saying/not saying the right thing. These are all expected within the anger phase.

But I’d like to delve into misplaced anger in the grieving process. After exhausting the obvious targets, I found myself getting cross at senseless, inane things at a disproportionate level. I am not by nature an angry person, so this blindsided me. Little things completely unrelated to my husband’s death could work me into an irritable froth. A good psychologist would probably say it is easier and healthier than beating yourself up in a period of deep sorrow. In the end, I concluded that this was what was happening.

Looking back, I now know there is nothing I could have done—or even the doctors could have done—that would have changed the course of my partner’s illness. But that anger at the universe had to go somewhere and I wished I could apologize to every innocent bystander on the street, in a store, or on a dreaded customer service line that had to put up with me when that rage was loosened.

Eventually, like all things, the anger phase subsided, and I crossed into acceptance. I’d like to offer hope that your anger will wane and give you a free pass to allow the release of this vexation for a few months or however much time you need. I gave myself a free pass for about a year. It meant that I could be irritable, cancel social engagements, or crawl into bed when the sadness overwhelmed me. I think it is a grace that a grieving person deserves; a time when we will be forgiven for almost everything. If you are grieving, I recommend you set a deadline on your free pass. It is easy to get used to people offering to help at every turn and being allowed to let a lot of things go, but be careful not to settle there.

Finally, the corollary is that if you find yourself on the receiving end of someone’s outrage, remind yourself that this probably isn’t about you, but rather about a person who may have recently experienced some significant loss and is suffering from misplaced anger.

After losing her husband in 2021, Marilee Clarke began writing her book on navigating grief. Excerpts from the book (still in progress) often appear in this magazine. Her passions include mixed media creations and traveling the world every chance she gets. She currently splits her time between Issaquah and the California desert, enjoying the best of two very different and beautiful locales.https://www.3rdactmagazine.com/speed-bumps/lifestyle/humor/

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