Finding Joy in Going it Alone
By MARILEE CLARK
I once read that grief is a lonely solitary room. Truly, for me it was. Friends and family can provide some comfort, yet most experience sorrow as personal and private. Those who share a similar loss will experience something comparable, although not the same. We can console one another by sharing stories and trying to be empathetic, but ultimately, we still come up short because each is on our own grief journey.
This is a journey that cannot be rushed, wished away, or powered through—only survived. If you can accept this one truth, then you can lean into your singular sorrow and find ways to build a new life around your grief. I have come to believe that this is the best approach to grief: You can’t get through it or around it, but you can isolate and insulate grief as your new life without your loved one unfolds. In other words, you learn how to live solo with a “Yay me!” frame of mind.
That new life may include staying single. This is not to say that as a widow or widower, you won’t have another relationship in your future, or that it is not something for which to hope. My message is that you can still lead a full and happy life while consciously choosing to remain single after the death of a spouse—or even after divorce. Yay me!
I recently Googled, “Is it normal to be happy alone?” Apparently, to my great relief, it is. Being alone and enjoying one’s solitude and company is very different from being lonely. I have carved out a new life for myself that—despite missing my sweetheart every day—fulfills me. I am blessed to have a large circle of wonderful family and friends, lots of interests and activities, and a deep curiosity to learn and expand my mind. Yay me!
I have learned to quietly say to myself Yay me! when I tackle something challenging, like when I attended a wedding in Portugal alone, or go to a large cocktail party where I only know a few guests. And these days if I want to see a movie or play, I just go by myself. Fortunately, I have found that this is not all that uncommon anymore. As a self-assessed introvert, embracing these—outside my comfort zone—activities are worth a pat on the back. Yay me!
Yet, my alone time is where I really find strength. It is the recharge I need after going out in the world. I hope every person gets to experience the pleasure of one’s own company as it is very life-affirming. I once picked up a small prose book called My Best Friend only to discover that the author was writing about himself. We should all be our own best friends and cheerleaders. Yay me!
After losing her husband in 2021, Marilee Clarke began writing her book on navigating grief. Excerpts from the book (still in progress) often appear in this magazine. Her passions include mixed media creations and traveling the world every chance she gets. She currently splits her time between Issaquah and the California desert enjoying the best of two very different and beautiful locales.
Editor: I was unable to find the referenced book, My Best Friend, but here’s one that looks interesting—On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone.
More 3rd Act articles on navigating grief: