Navigating the Family Sunday Dinner During a Fraught Time
BY STEPHEN SINCLAIR
I was eight years old sitting on a booster seat in the barber chair at Frank “Penny” Rich’s barbershop in Spooner, Wis. While my dad and mom waited, he gave me a quick haircut and then took out a “Kennedy for President” button and pinned it onto my shirt.
Mr. Rich was the county Democratic Party chair and we had gone to his shop so my parents, who were Democrats, could talk with him about the upcoming presidential election. Most of the families in our farm community were Republicans and it seemed that the county and state would be won by Richard Nixon.
In hindsight, what was remarkable about this is that just the weekend before the barbershop meeting, my extended family had probably gotten together for Sunday dinner—our grandmother, aunts, uncles, and cousins. During the meal there would have been no talk of politics or the election. Everyone knew that we all held various views and had different political affiliations, but what was most important was that our family remained united so we could continue to look after one another. Therefore, talk centered on the harvest, cattle, and the general goings on in the community and church.
How different things are today when families are torn apart by partisan politics and rigid allegiances to political viewpoints.
Disagreements in families are as old as time. In the Hebrew book of Genesis, the sons of Adam and Eve engaged in a long quarrel that ended up with Cain murdering Abel. Later, it is written that Esau and Jacob were already at one another as “the children struggled together” in their mother’s womb.
In both the Mishnah and Talmud (two of the Jewish oral traditions) there is the term machloket l’shem shamayim, which refers to an argument or debate “for the sake of heaven.” It’s a principled struggle where people are honest, direct, and compassionate with each other while striving for something greater than themselves. The goal is to reach a conclusion that aligns with religious ideals and ethical principles, and to deepen understanding of the divine. The rabbis believed that arguments for the sake of heaven will endure, while those that are not, won’t.
Using this concept as an inspiration for how we might best enter conversation over contentious issues with friends and family, I suggest the following:
- Don’t engage in an argument via texting, email, or social media. Do it in person or if necessary, a phone or video call. Nuance and subtlety get lost when communicating remotely with only written words and emojis.
- Enter the conversation from a place of love and a desire to respect and understand the other person rather than to win. Keep in mind if you would rather be right or be happy. Or if an argument is with your spouse, do you want to be right or do you want to be married? Being victorious often means the loss of something that is valued.
- Begin the conversation by recognizing some shared values or hopes for the future. This will help to remind you of what you have in common before starting to disagree.
- Listen with intention. When appropriate, repeat back what was just said (“I hear you saying”), which will assist the other person in knowing they’re being heard. Also, their response will assist you in knowing you comprehended correctly what they articulated.
- Admit when you may be wrong about something or that your view may have flaws. Perhaps you didn’t realize an underlying factor had been affecting the person’s world view or position on a matter. We all have unresolved issues that we may or may not be getting help with through therapy or counseling (e.g. family of origin issues and past traumas.)
- Be mindful of the fact that others’ views may have something to teach us.
- Walk away or take a timeout when things get heated. No good can occur when one is no longer listening and has become defensive.
In the 1960 election, John F. Kennedy beat Nixon. A few weeks later when our family sat down for Thanksgiving dinner, I doubt anyone grumbled about the outcome. Afterall, we were gathered there together to give thanks to God and not to argue over the fleeting matters of this world.
Stephen Sinclair holds a Master of Divinity from Meadville Lombard Theological School in Chicago, and is an ordained Unitarian Universalist minister. He’s been a pastor and chaplain in a number of churches and hospitals in the U.S. and has worked with the homeless.