BY JUDY RUCKSTUHL WRIGHT
It’s scary—and I’d put it off as long as I could—but it was time. My daughter needed help with my first grandchild, my knees were never again going to calmly negotiate my three-story home of 35 years, and my son was begging me to come live in his mother-in-law suite—all a thousand miles away from the community I’ve lived in and loved for nearly 50 years. So many, many things to think about and think of when moving. Not the least of which is how will I maintain friendships with my beloved friends? And the follow-on question: How do I make new friends at MY age?
I’ve learned that three basic rules apply when settling into a new home and community:
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It’s up to me.
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It takes work.
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It takes time.
That said, there are smart and effective ways to go about each of these. Having moved 11 times since my first marriage in 1969, and maintaining at least one friendship from each place since the second, I’ve had more opportunities than I would’ve liked to make mistakes and learn loads of lessons. I most recently moved at age 71 to a community where I knew my daughter, her family, and two other people; even using this approach, it took 18 months to develop a satisfying group of friends. After eight years I have a wonderful friendship circle and maintain contact with my important friends from before. I offer the following tips to help you keep the friends you treasure and make new ones in your new location.
Keeping Friends
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Make a list, even a prioritized list, with their contact information. You may already have this information, but moving usually involves a good bit of chaos, and having such a list may prove very handy.
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Have personal business cards made up with your contact information (name, phone number, and email address—no mailing address unless it’s a post office box). Make them colorful and pretty, so they remain visually easy to find for your friends. You will use them in your new location as well.
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Before you move budget time to contact your present friends, ideally one-on-one and in-person. Ask if they’d like to keep in touch and if so, how. It’s probably best not to set a frequency yet, because your schedule won’t be knowable at first. If your memory is like mine, you may want to add their preferences to your prioritized list.
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Some people make an index card for each friend with information such as birthdays, children’s and grandchildren’s names, special events, medical challenges, and more.
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If someone wants to give you a farewell party, hurray!
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Send out an email or group text to your major acquaintances telling them of your move and give them your new contact information. You never know who’s going to be traveling through your new city with delicious news about your old one.
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Once you’re there and a bit settled, budget some time to reconnect. Yes, it will make you homesick, but how on earth will they otherwise know that you’ve “landed” and are ready to resume the connection?
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Subscribe to Zoom Pro on your laptop. If you don’t have a laptop, get one. Resources abound to teach older adults internet fluency, and Zoom is a great way to participate in groups and individual conversations anywhere in the world. If your budget is restricted, there’s a free Zoom option that limits a call to 40 minutes. If you don’t have a laptop, you can use FaceTime on your smartphone. Honestly, Zoom and FaceTime are very easy to use!
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Send Christmas, Hanukkah, Solstice, or New Year’s cards with an upbeat update, and ask for the same. Some people scoop up greeting cards with an unusual “twist,” and send them not just for birthdays, but for occasions like the first Valentine’s Day after a friend has lost a partner.
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Figure out where your friends can stay if they come to visit you. (And the fun part: Where would you take them and what would you show them?)
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Visit them periodically if possible.
Making New Friends
Again, it’s up to you and the same three basic rules apply. And honestly, this takes more work but at our age, we know from determination, yes?
Before you start the interactive phase of your new-friendships campaign ask a few friends and/or family members what they find especially interesting about you. No need to construct a standard introduction, which can sound artificial. This simply reminds you that you are, indeed, an interesting person and valuable for other people to know.
Here are some avenues to start connecting with potential friends:
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Before you leave your previous community, ask your friends for introductions to people they may know in your new one. After all, you already have a friend in common.
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If you are moving near a family member or members, ask them for introductions to people they think have interests in common with you—especially, the parents of their friends.
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Volunteer for any kind of organization that interests you. I have found this the very best way of connecting with potential new friends.
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Check out nearby senior centers and their activities, or sign up for activities in your new community.
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Join a church or other spiritual group. Sometimes they can provide transport.
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Look on the Web for meetups that interest you.
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Join a book club and/or writing group at your local library.
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Join a support group for people who have just moved.
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Join a Death Café.
(At a Death Cafe people gather to eat cake, drink tea and discuss, well, death.)
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If you’re so inclined, get a part-time job.
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If you have a dog, consider every other dog owner you encounter along the street a potential friend. Ask their name, not just the name of their dog, and follow up if they seem interesting.
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If you live in an apartment community, volunteer for one of their committees.
In all these situations YOU will have to take the initiative in developing friendships. You’ll find that only about 20 percent of the people you meet will interest you as a potential friend. Some of these won’t be interested and you’ll have to pick up your marbles and move to a different playground. So be it. Also, try to avoid ageism. You’ll meet some people much younger and older than yourself who would welcome a friendship and you’ll love it, too.
Even though you have a wonderful Zoom tool on your laptop, it works much better to meet someone in person first, and then move to Zoom if necessary. Exceptions are things like book clubs and meditation groups.
In sum, you can make it happen! Just bring along your intention, determination, persistence, and the knowledge that you are worth knowing, and it will.
Judy Ruckstuhl Wright had an ultra-extroverted mother and lived in one community until she was 25, when moving around with her Swiss inventor husband forced her to figure out how to start making friends on her own. She has been writing and publishing nonfiction for 63 years.
Potential Challenges
You may encounter two strategic challenges that require some cleverness to address: Transportation and slight cognitive loss.
Transportation:
If you no longer drive, you may want to start by figuring out how you’re going to get around, because that’s going to affect your choices. The good news: As we people of distinguished vintage become more numerous, the transport options keep increasing! More good news: I’ve never penciled it out, but I understand from people who have that it’s cheaper to take an Uber or equivalent to where you need to go than to own and operate a car.
When you’re looking at transportation options, do include things like public buses specifically for seniors, and hiring grandchildren just as you would a Lyft driver. Some cities have the organization GoGo Grandparents, which oversees your transport choices to ensure your safety. The local Area Agency on Aging can probably introduce you to options you may not sniff out on your own.
Mild Cognitive Impairment:
If you’re experiencing slight cognitive loss—thinking slowly and not recalling names and nouns right away—please know that MANY of us are dealing with the same situation. And you can still initiate deep, meaningful friendships as well as fun, lighthearted ones. How many of us need to discuss the latest nanoparticle configuration discoveries anyway?
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