When a Series of Losses Happen Over a Short Period of Time
BY MARILEE CLARKE
As we get older it becomes harder and harder to escape grief. I, surprisingly, made it to 64 without losing a single friend or family member in my inner circle. Elderly grandparents, of course, but no one dying tragically or unexpectedly. Then, over two years, I lost my husband, my mother, and just recently, a best friend. This is the definition of compounded grief, and it is not an uncommon plight for those of us in our third act. My 96-year-old father laments the loss of his beloved wife and most of his lifelong friends. This kind of loss becomes inevitable when you live a long life.
The danger of compounded or cumulative grief is that you can become numb to loss and unable to fully process each significant event. As I found with my husband’s death, I needed the better part of a year to work through the complicated emotions of losing a spouse. However, when my mother passed away and then shortly after, my oldest friend in the world, my mother’s death seemed overshadowed. This was partly because by the time she died she was not the mother I had known all my life. Her dementia had slowly deepened over the years and she’d faded away.
Give Yourself Time to Process Each Loss
I am now trying to return to this significant event and do the necessary work to process my grief. I made a photo album of all the pictures I could find of my mother as I want to remember her, and that helped a little. But I still find myself thinking of her as she was in those last few years, and I can only hope that those sad visual memories will eventually fade and the ones in my scrapbook will return. This is an example of giving yourself time to process a loss. Some losses will take much longer than others. Another idea is to create a specific ritual to isolate and honor each loss. A memorial service or a scattering of ashes somewhere special are common ones, but there are other things that can help such as wearing a clothing item or a piece of jewelry that belonged to the deceased, or writing them a letter outlining everything you loved about them. The message here is the importance of processing each sorrow fully and independently of any others. I am still working on this.
Seek Support for Compounded Grief
A final important tool to deal with compounded grief is to seek support through friends, organized support groups, and by talking to a therapist skilled in grief counseling. Chances are you will find that your cumulative grief is not uncommon and that there are others out there dealing with the same heavy weight of multiple deaths. The important thing is to not lump all losses together. Each one represents a significant change in your life dynamic and needs to be seen as such and processed independently.
Marilee Clarke lives in Issaquah and loves the Northwest’s natural beauty. She is a collage artist and her passions include travel and anything creative. She and her late husband taught a course at Bellevue College on “How to get the most out of your retirement years” and that is just what she’s doing!